Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
