I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
