Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
