I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
