You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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