I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my being single is dangerous.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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