i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I could make wine with my vomit
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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