There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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