woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
