his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
