My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
