I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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