Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
