I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
