I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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