Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
