The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
