The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
