Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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