the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
