Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
