I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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