guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
