mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
if i died would you start the facebook group?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
