When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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