I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm both gender and math confused
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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