My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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