Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
