Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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