It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
