i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
