when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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