She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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