Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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