The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
