remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
