I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
