Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
