How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
