She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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