hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
