I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
