I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
