Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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