i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
