I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
