everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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