Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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