Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
