Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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