lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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